Loss, Love and Life in 2020 - A Pandemic Journal Entry

In the event you’re needing some positive, colorful, loving encouragement today, this is for you.

2020 has been a challenge for all of us, that’s for certain. It’s been a tremendous season of loss and heartbreak over here and I’ve been in a grief-stricken state for the majority of the year. Every time I come close to terms with a loss, another one happens. My grandfather passed away at the end of January, the same week as Kobe Bryant. Just over a month later, my friend Jackie passed away unexpectedly in March. And in June, a childhood friend lost a rapid battle with an extremely aggressive brain cancer. Mix in all the turmoil and devastation from the pandemic, in an election year filled with even more police brutality, and I’ve really been struggling. I keep thinking how lucky we were to be able to have a funeral for Grandpa right before the world shut down and my heart aches for those lives who haven’t been properly celebrated yet. It’s all a bit much to handle this year.

I am a feeler, a wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve-er. I feel everything to the max. Total 4 on the Enneagram, if you’re familiar! I tend to get swallowed in my own darkness, but lately I’ve been wondering about all those in my life I haven’t seen in months. Friends, family, clients. You’re all on my heart and I’m hoping that if life is giving you lemons, you’re making the most of it. If not, you have my deepest appreciation and I hope you’ve turned those lemons into a nice stiff cocktail!

What I’ve found to be the most therapeutic this year is my garden. It’s something to take care of and tend to, other than myself. I’ve been harvesting basil and making pesto every other day and picking small floral bouquets for around our house. I’ve lost two lavender plants this week, and I’m pretty bummed because those are my favorite! Even my horticulture background doesn’t make me immune to plant loss but I’m at a loss as to why they died. I blame the pandemic. Or the 80 trillion ants.

Jackie’s birthday was this past Sunday; she would’ve been just 42. I was out watering, fertilizing and picking flowers this morning when I realized I wanted to create an “edibles” project but when I saw what I was creating, I knew it had to be a tribute to honor her life. Colorful, vibrant and beautiful - just like her. I sure miss you, Jax.

Much love friends. Still missing you all.

xoxo, Courtney

I Went Back to Film! Want to See Some Side-By-Side Comparisons?

Last summer I bought a film camera. The first I’ve had since I sold my original film camera 15 years ago. When I sold mine, after everything I was doing was digital, I never had a clue that I’d go back to film. But upon seeing this camera, there was an urge to get back into it. When I was in school for photography, my class was the very last class to learn film before they tore the darkroom down. Everything was leading toward digital and the space made room for more available studio shooting space. But it was a sad moment when that happened. Excitement toward digital but also a sombering moment that an art was dying.

During this pandemic, when all I’ve had is time, I found two incredibly ancient rolls of film. One black & white, one color. I have no idea how old they were, or if they would even turn out but I put them in the camera and I went for photo walks. That’s all I could do for the past few months… walk. But taking my cameras out on walks was more therapeutic than I thought it would be. Both digital and film had given me a way to see things I’m normally too busy to stop and really appreciate. I’d gotten in the habit of only bringing my camera out if I had a session or had something to shoot at home for a client. I wasn’t shooting anything for me, for fun, anymore so this was a perfect opportunity to get my creative juices flowing again. All I did was photograph whatever inspired me, and places I found beauty.

Below are just a few of the scans I got back from the developed rolls. Surprisingly, they all developed well! I took the B&W roll to a local lab here in Chicago called PrintLab and sent the color off to the FindLab per recommendation of a friend. I was very happy with both services.

While I’m only using my film camera for personal passion projects right now, someday I’ll think about incorporating them into client sessions. I’m way out of practice with film, though, so I need to develop my craft before that can happen. I expect too much out of myself for client sessions and can’t be held back by fumbling with a camera!

Much love, all. I hope you’re hanging in there!

My film baby.

Can You Tell Which is Film and Which is Digital?!

Film

Digital

Digital

Film

Digital

Film

Digital

Film - Still getting used to the focusing of this old camera!

Film

My Own Photo Session in Paris with Brittany Marie Photography - Tips on How to Have a Great Photo Session

I’m SO late to the game in blogging my own photo session that I had on my trip to Paris (almost a year ago already!) but it’s better late than never, right?!

I try to get on the other side of the camera once in a while because 1. I don’t like it so it pushes me out of my comfort zone and 2. I can relate to my clients when I’m photographing them by knowing tricks to get them comfortable. This time in front of the camera was especially special since I was in Paris visiting my crazy-talented friend Brittany of Brittany Marie Photography. We spent the day together exploring Paris and that morning we took some quick photos of each other. Later, we waited in line for what seemed like hours for the best damn crêpe I’ve ever had in my life! I blogged the photos I took of her, but never got around to sharing (aside from Instagram) the photos she made of me. See below for some tips on how to have a great portrait session and learn from my mishaps.

Things I learned after being photographed in Paris.

1. Don’t wear something that you’re going to be self-conscious about the entire time! Something you feel amazing in will do the trick. I wore a shirt that I loved the look of but didn’t like the look of ON ME! It wasn’t the most flattering on my short body and I ended up feeling self-conscious and in my head about it the entire time. Trust your instincts and go with your first choice.

2. Get a great night’s sleep beforehand! I am never myself when I don’t get enough sleep and my brain is foggy & makes it harder to relax. And my eyes look so sleepy!

3. Speaking of sleepy eyes…. the older I get, the more I dislike my giant light-up-the-room-smile and the dark circles under my eyes (thanks, genes). I know it’s silly and all my own insecurities, but I feel more like myself when I don’t look tired. Next time, I will hire a make-up artist to help me feel even more amazing. AND will work on loving myself, “flaws” and all!

4. Have fun, be playful and relax. It will show if you’re stiff and uncomfortable. The most important tip for great photos is that you have to trust your photographer.

If you go to Paris, and I highly recommend you do, you MUST be photographed by Brittany! Check out her stunning photos here!