When Life Changes in an Instant - Personal

Sensitive content warning: suicide

This session is a bit over a year and a half old now, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to blog about it until now. I was photographing this perfect little gentleman the morning my dad died. This guy was so alert, and was the smiliest baby I had had in a looooong time. It was such a great session. He's the sunshine I am choosing to remember on the darkest day of my entire life. ⁣

I’ve shared bits and pieces on IG, but writing this post has helped me get out some of the ugly that’s been living in my head. It’s extremely vulnerable for me to put this out here, especially within my business, but if it can help even one person feel less alone in this world it’s worth it.

That morning, I woke up with the most crippling anxiety. It was with me all day. It’s what stands out the most from that day, aside from the obvious. I didn’t have it during this session but before, and after, up until the phone call that changed my life. At 3:46pm on Wednesday August 16, 2023, I had a great life and a dad that was alive. I was prepping a client’s outfits for their session the next day. At 3:47pm I got a call from my sister. She never calls, always texts. I remember thinking it was strange she was calling but never would I have been prepared for what was next. I sent the call to VM and texted immediately that I couldn’t answer and I’d call her back soon. She replied back instantly “you have to” and as my heart was dropping to my stomach, she was calling again. I can’t remember specifics of the call, or what she actually even said, but what I can remember is: it’s dad, he was gone and I didn’t cry. I was completely frozen and speechless; unable to move, breathe, cry, respond, exist.

My dad died by suicide. A sentence so shocking that had never been one I thought I’d ever have to consider, let alone write. Never in a million years would we have thought we'd be here but we're now part of a club we didn't choose to join. The number of people who have told us they've lost someone close to suicide, or the people who have already said "your dad saved my life by you talking about it" is astonishing. So many people are affected by this and so many more suffer in silence, like my dad. Yet the resources are incredibly lacking and don't get me started on inaccessibility to affordable health care in general, let alone mental health care.​​​​​​​​ And it’s about to get a hell of a lot worse in America.

My dad was the greatest man I know. He loved being a girl dad, and then a girl-granddad. He would hit the dance floor floor at weddings and never stop. He did everything for us, for anyone actually. He could fix anything, he could build anything, his love language was acts of service. The most selfless man. So when people tell me what he did was selfish, I just want to punch something.

I have been struggling with finding a new normal, a new path forward, and figuring out where I go from here. The truth is, the Courtney that existed in this session that morning is gone. I'm a fragmented shell of what I once was. Even though it’s been over a year. I don’t think “there is no timeline” is talked about enough in terms of grief, but especially suicide grief. I’ve been told I’m “stuck,” I’ve lost a tremendous amount of relationships & support and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m expected to be over it by now or if it’s because it’s really hard to be around someone who is so sad all the time. Or if I was just so lost in my own dark cloud for so long that I stopped seeing anything but that dark cloud. This grief is incredibly isolating. But it’s also a part of me now. And it really shows who shows up for you in the darkest nights of your life.

I've grappled with what feels like an entire identity crisis. Does photography even matter anymore? Am I meant for something more meaningful? What will I do if I’m not photographing? How can I give back to the community but still make a living? Do I move back to Wisconsin to be closer to my shattered family? Do I have to sell my place, the place where I feel my dad the most because of all he built and helped me with when I bought it? I'm feeling lost, like a compass without a needle, like I’m waiting for some big answer to fall from the sky. It’s completely overwhelming.

I’ve cried what feels like 72 oceans worth of tears. I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs. I’ve asked “why” to invisible forces, and to my dad, at least 85,000 times. I’ve been awful and angry and really difficult to be around. I blame myself. I blame the world. I’ve hated Wednesdays and all holidays. I can’t be in big crowds and I hate loud noises. I can’t concentrate, and can’t multi-task at all anymore. I am triggered by a lot of things all of the time. It’s.a.lot.

Among all the anger, though, there have been moments of healing. I’ve journaled. I’ve done an endless amount of soul-searching, and will continue to do so until I die. I’ve appreciated the heck, and tried to focus on showing it, out of the very few close people yet left in my life. I’ve had more understanding for what people might be going through when they’re having a tough day. I’ve talked to my dad, a lot. I’ve stopped caring about the useless shit in this life that doesn’t matter. I now do grief yoga and listen to podcasts on soul-led living & somatic healing. I had been in therapy for years before my dad died. Right before he died, I was doing EMDR for trauma stemmed from being hit by a car on my bike. This is something I think I’ll go back to because it really helped.
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I will spend the rest of my life living with a giant hole in my heart and will devote my time and resources to organizations like the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention & NAMI. They will need it more than ever with this current regime gutting vital programs for people who are struggling. (Yes, I went there. If you don’t like it, I don’t care. One of the things I’ve learned to let go of. I will not let my empathy toward humanity die and, unfortunately, politics literally affects our everyday lives.) Two months after my dad died, our family participated in the Out of the Darkness suicide prevention walk at Montrose Beach in Chicago and raised over $2000. It launched my black hole of grief into something to give back to.​​​​​​​​ It gave me a purpose to try to find some meaning out of this unexplainable pain. But I just couldn’t do it this past summer & fall. The grief cloud was so heavy and the one-year anniversary was debilitating. The purpose it had given me the year prior was replaced with resentment. I had no emotional bandwidth for it, but am hoping that some day I’ll be able to do so again.

I’ve met new people in my life from this tragedy, people that have also been destroyed by suicide. A stranger that saw me wearing an AFSP bracelet stopped to talk and then hugged me. And still checks in on me. People from grief group. Connecting with another woman on social media who also lost her dad to suicide almost exactly two months before I lost mine; we’ve been there for each other when it seems no one else understands. Clients that have been through it and reached out, acquaintances on IG that are going through it. The community of suicide survivors is truly compassionate beyond anything I’ve ever known and I’m convinced these strangers are angels that were put on my path at the exact right time. There are silver linings. The compassion I have for others is one. I’ve always been a highly-sensitive empath, but this has made me even more-so. Which makes it really challenging to live in this cruel world we’re in.
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Please talk about mental health and suicide. Talking about it reduces the stigmatization surrounding mental health and could help people to reach out to get help. The "if-only we had" 's and the "why?" 's have tormented my family and I and we would give anything to have him back with us to remind him how loved he is. And please don’t tell a survivor that “everything happens for a reason” because it’s insanely insensitive, especially with suicide. One last ask - please also consider saying “died by suicide” or “completed suicide” instead of committed suicide. One little tweak of the sentence can help take the stigma out of it.

I so appreciate all of the loving support and patience from you all. My hope is that all of my clients turn into friends, but those of you who have really shown up for me will never know just how much you mean to me but I'll spend the rest of my life trying to show you. If you have questions or are going through it and need support, I’m here.

Life can change in an instant. Take the photos. Most importantly, be in the photos. Schedule professional photos. You’ll never regret photos with your loved ones.

Extra thanks to this fam for giving me so much grace and patience after their session.

xoxo,

Courtney

I leave you with one of my favorite photos I’ve ever taken of my dad. He hated being in photos. I’m talking all-caps DESPISED. So I could only take them when he wasn’t aware of it, like this one 💔

Including Big Brother or Big Sister in Newborn Photos

Bringing a newborn home is daunting. Bringing a newborn home with a toddler - phew, buckle up! It’s a HUGE adjustment for everyone, but big siblings go from being the star of the show to having to share the spotlight in an instant. There can be big feelings and big meltdowns when life becomes all about the new baby; it can be tough for them. When people show up asking first to see the baby, and only focus on the baby, it makes them feel even more left out. (It’s kind of like that with moms also… Don’t get me started on the lack of support for moms, though.) I go into newborn sessions with older siblings SO excited for them. I go out of my way to talk to them first, get down on their level, play with them, etc. Then I ask them to show me their baby sister or brother. I show them images we’re making and ask for their help with holding feet/hands, making silly faces to get mom or dad to smile, wrapping the baby, etc. They want to feel like they’re part of the process, and this usually gets more participation. A win for all of us! I also can’t forget my silly noises, which works for getting genuine laughs & smiles from parents too as well as some head tilts from fur siblings. Animal noises of all kinds work and raspberries or toots, especially with little boys, are my go-to’s! Playing games with the noises also usually results in some cute moments - asking them what sound does a dog make, but making a “mooooo” noise before they respond, and asking if that was right, is always a hit!

Photographing kids requires a lot of patience and can definitely be challenging. But I get to act like a kid with them, be silly and just have fun. I often wish that my job was 100% photographing and 0% business because these moments make my “job” feel more like fun than work.

This session was so fun and I made a new friend! Big brother was such a joy to photograph and we became best buds. HIs mom still texts me that he asks about me and that makes me incredibly happy!

Off The Grid - Thinking About Leaving Social Media Behind

I’ve been on a podcast listening marathon and started listening to the Off the Grid podcast this winter. I found it inadvertently when I was listening to The Baggage Reclaim podcast that I’ve been loyally listening to for years, that took me to another podcast, which then led to this! All of this knowledge, but especially Off the Grid has been exactly what my soul has needed. It’s about leaving social media behind, without losing clients/friends/contacts, and phew it’s hitting home. With the state of the country, all of the natural disasters from climate change, wars and all else that’s going on personally, social media in general has been leaving me feeling SO anxious and empty for a long time now. I left Facebook several years ago and was gone for years but I ended up back on after my dad died in 2023. But I just can’t do it anymore. I want to focus on real-life relationships; both business and personal.

Giving up Facebook wasn’t actually difficult. But Instagram is where I share images and take part in seeing other’s images and is where I spend most of my social media time. Spending hours doom-scrolling on Instagram leaves me feeling depleted beyond belief. But the thought of missing someone’s birth announcement, a friend’s promotion news or engagement announcement leaves me reeling. It’s truly an addiction. But the thought of deleting it from my phone gives me crippling anxiety. The thought of deleting the account all together - just sends me spiraling. But staying keeps me spiraling more! I also don’t want to support anymore of the broligarchy. So for now, my solution is to have extremely limited IG time and this blog and my newsletter will be my main way of sharing images, tips and announcements. My terms, my way. No algorithms or nonsense.

I started a project at the beginning of the year inspired by the Wonder Habit. I see little moments each day that inspire me and take a photo to document it. The author of this original project is a watercolor artist/painter and I am NOT that, despite my attempts! I wanted to do a version of this, but with photography. I’ve never done a 365 project before but so far I’m loving it. My friends used to tell me that one of my “superpowers” was the ability to find beauty and magic anywhere, especially in the mundane. After Dad died, I feel like that died also and I’ve been struggling to find joy and beauty like I used to. This project has helped bring me back to a part of my “old” self, after I thought my entire old self had died also. I’m doing this project with my phone, because I didn’t want to add stress to the project by having to lug out my “real” camera. And usually when I’m inspired by these moments, I’m nowhere near my camera and I wanted to be able to document them spontaneously. Since my phone is never far away (hello, addiction and dopamine seeking…) I thought committing to this project would be more feasible with that. I hope it inspires you to find the beautiful moments in your every day life.

I’m also relishing in the slowness of the winter and soaking up time with my Emmie Lou. The 365 project then inspired me to take a photo of Emmie every day also. (Not that I don’t have at least 100 images from her each day anyway!!) My goose is 18.5 and NOW is the year I decide to document her daily life. I think I’m realizing that I don’t have much time left with her and I’m trying to soak as much in as possible, and document all of the silly things she does. She mostly just sleeps a lot now, but I’ve been able to catch some of her spunky moments :) Here are a few snippets from my winter so far.

If you’re here with me, and read this far, thank you for being here! I’ll be sharing more professional and personal work soon. I hope you’re taking some time to slow down and appreciate the world and all of its wonder this winter, even when it feels impossibly dark. I appreciate you. Sending lots of love, light and wonder.

Things I’ve Done to Slow Down

  • Watched as many sunrises and sunsets as possible

  • Rented a book from the library

  • Snuggles every day with Emmie Lou

  • Made Fire Cider

  • Took a bath. Once is all I need. I’m so not a bath person.

  • Met a friend for dinner on a freezing cold night

  • Started meal-prepping again: made an incredible chicken artichoke dinner, a great curry, a delicious frozen raspberry yogurt treat, made the most amazing pea soup, a delicious cookie bark, key lime chia pudding and a ton of breakfast egg muffins. Yum!

  • Walked long walks almost every day this winter. Even when the real-feel is -20!

  • Devoured podcast after podcast, sometimes on my walks

  • Mini-walks with Lou; she can’t walk far anymore. But sometimes I’ll bring her in her stroller if it’s not extremely cold.

  • Made beeswax wraps with some of my dad’s old shirts

  • Homemade iced lattes at home with my new espresso machine

  • Started a nightly gratitude journal

  • The Wonder/365 Project, of course

  • Watched the snow (finally) fall for days, while curled up under a blanket near the fireplace

  • Shoveled said snow! Used the snowblower on the heaviest day and pretended my Dad wasn’t laughing at, from the afterlife, the way I cleared the driveway since this was his area of expertise.